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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now.
The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer . 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My , that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted !!!
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Confession is good for the soul and.....
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,"Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger.However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over ?"
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him.
They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story ? ....
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
So There!!!
Four coworkers always golfed as a group at 7 A.M. every Sunday.
Unfortunately, one of them was transferred out of town, so they began talking about how they would fill out the foursome.
A woman standing nearby said, “Hey, I like to golf, May I join the group ?”
They were hesitant, but invited her to play a round, after which they would decide whether to bring her in permanently.
They all agreed and she said, “Good, I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round.
The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her.
Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.
The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, “OK, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed and matched her 7-under-par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed and they asked her to join the group for keeps.
They had a beer after their round and one of the guys asked her,
“How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?”
She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude.
If his pecker is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed.
If it’s pointing to the left, I golf left-handed.”
Another member of the group asked, “What if it’s pointing straight up ?”
She replied, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million pounds."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men.
A young single guy finds himself stranded on a desert island.
As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand.
Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life.
Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man.
Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon
and night.
True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart ?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life
together and I'm in love with you.
Is
there something wrong ? Is there anything I can do ?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is.
Would you mind, putting on my shirt and trousers ?"
"Sure," she says, "if it'll help."
He
takes off his shirt and trousers and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your
face ?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island ?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island.
He
sets off in the other direction.
They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He
rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude ! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with !"
A
man met a woman and fell madly in love with her.
He asked her to marry him right away.
Her response was: "But we don't know each other at all, what if we don't
get on ?"
The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt that
he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would work and
they could get to know each other during their marriage.
So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they
found they were very compatible.
They were lazing by the poolside one day when the husband said he
fancied a swim and his wife watched him as he climbed up to the very
highest diving board and leapt off backwards.
He
did a triple spin, a forward turn and a double back-flip (piked) before
entering the water with barely a ripple.
The wife was amazed.
When the husband came back to her she said: "Blimey ! I didn't know you
could do that !"
He replied: "Oh yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was
the champion for ten years running."
They agreed that there was a lot to learn about each other and that it
was fun finding out.
Then the wife decided to go for a swim.
She dived into the water, swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and lay
on her sun lounger barely out of breath.
The husband was amazed.
He
said: "I can't believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?"
She replied:
"Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Hull but I worked both sides of the river !"
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run
into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet ?"
Little Johnny shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the
glass without spilling a drop .
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do ?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said,
"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet ...
ate the cookies ...
drank the milk ...
shit on the paper ...
screwed the other three cats ...
claimed he injured his back while doing so ...
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ...
put in for Workers Compensation ...
and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave !
A
young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor, "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you ?"
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken !"
I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet.
So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an
unusual pet.
After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a
little white box to use for his house.
I
took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided I
would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer ?".
But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him
again,
"How about going to the pub for a drink ?".
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet.
So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against
the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there ! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head Pub and have a
drink with me ?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time ! I'm putting my fucking shoes on."
A True
Australian ghost story.......
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm
was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level it
stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the
car and closed the door, before he realised there was nobody behind the
wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly forward.
John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just
before he reached the curve, a hand appeared through the window and
turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time
they came to a curve.
He then saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila.
He then
started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just gone
through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....he
wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub.
They were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,
"Look, Bruce.. there's the bloody idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it."
I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.
One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hi ya mate, how are you doing
?"
Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude,
so I replied "Not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to ?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo. How
about yourself ?"
The next thing I heard him say was .....
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got someone in the loo
next to me answering everything I say ."
I
pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double,
a
mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night !
Went
back to her house. she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...
'mum....you awake?
A
store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose
to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited...
URGENT- TESCO SHOPPING SCAM
A warning for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Tesco.
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam while out
shopping.
Simply going out to get some shopping turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!
Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good looking 21 year old girls come over to your car as
you are loading your stuff into the boot.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windowlene, with
their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a lift to another shopping centre.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on
you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on Feb 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, Mar 2nd, 4th, three times on the 5th, three times just yesterday,
and very
likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy more wallets.
Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when
suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fatboy,
whip me, whip me!"
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the
window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona
until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit so she went to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex??"
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said,
"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring it's the worse case of van aerial disease I've ever seen."
A lady walks into a Porsche dealership.
She browses around, spots a top of the range Porsche and walks over to
inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently
breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with,
'Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit
yourself when I tell you the price.'
A
couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the
golf course,
I
have sex, I bathe in the sun, And then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon.
After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."
Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk ."
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out
screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told
him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young
doctor was writing on his board.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven
grandchildren and you just told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"
A man sped down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all travelling at the same speed.
However, when he passed a patrol car, it pulled out behind him, lights flashing.
The police officer handed him a citation, took the driver's signature and was starting to walk away when the man said,
"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair.
Plenty of other drivers around me were going just as fast.
Why did I get a ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.
"Um, yeah ..." the startled man replied.
"Ever catch all the fish?"
Never Lie To Your Mum !
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and
Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met
the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it,
but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So
he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mum:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner.
Love, Brian
A few hours later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.
But the fact remains that if Stephanie was sleeping in her own bed, she
would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a
negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up,
"Yeah, right."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and he gorilla got even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."
Joe is in dire financial trouble.
His business has gone under, his debts are piling up.
He
is so desperate he decides to pray for help.
"God, please help me.
I lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I am going to lose my car as well.
Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes.
And somebody else wins.
"God, please let me win the lottery! I lost my business, my car and now
I am going to lose my house as well."
Lottery night comes.
No
luck.
"My God, I lost my business, my car, and my house.
My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life
back in order."
A sudden flash of blinding light. The heavens open, and Joe is
confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this.
Buy a ticket."
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond
compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous
daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his
mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came
to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly
notice.. pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so
the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can
hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things
might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just
perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the
ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen
considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that
you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grab his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right.
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I grabbed a cab home but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.
At home I found my wife in bed with our gardener."
"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my damn poison!"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
George Bush met The
Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking
of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it
should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr.
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a
conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only
eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't.
In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into
jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in
France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.
Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.
The girl responds:
Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie:
£19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.99
Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the
other Barbie's are £19.95?" Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...
GREAT
TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10)
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT
TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT
TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you
the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR
STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS
At age 4 success is . . . no
