Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there ?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room.

By tying this string to the tip of your thing, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Jake was dying.

His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother !"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now lay back and let the poison work"

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,

"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice ?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

A couple buys this cute little dog.

They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy.

It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet.

The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor.

He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog.

The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead... That'll be $225.00."

"$225.00 ?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead ?"

The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."

A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away.

Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth.

The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.

So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing.

The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change.

They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage.

The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus.

The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.

Another bus comes.

Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs.

Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus.

 The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house.

He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step.

Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap !- against the door.

He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap !- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times.

He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy.

"What the heck are you doing ? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake !"

"Clever, my ass," the guy responds,

"This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key !"

A young man was happy to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young lady he'd been seeing for some time.

 He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT !" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot !" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself.

One more and I'll feel fine.

So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot !" shrieked the mother.

"Get over here before he shits on you !"

Whilst on a business trip a businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

So they do.

Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was far too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.

The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid idiot do this time ?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the idiot because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.

He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now ?" he asks.

"What now ?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect ?" replied the patron.

"Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said,

"you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize ?"

The man replied, "They're Carols". 

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says,

" 7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him.

He asks Are you Ok ?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me ?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, And my name is Turner Brown".

The small guy says,

"Thank God !! I thought You said Turn Around".

GIRL'S DIARY

Sunday 11th May 2003

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. 

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but  followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. 

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.

He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

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BLOKE'S DIARY


Sunday 11th May 2003

My football team was relegated today, Gutted, Got a shag though.

Paddy is looking very miserable, so one of his friends goes up to him to see what is wrong. 

"What's wrong Paddy ?" asks the friend. 

"It's a bad day for my family," says Paddy, "I've just heard that my father died this morning." 

Naturally the friend is very sympathetic, and tries to console Paddy.

Then the phone rings and Paddy goes to answer it.

When he comes back he is looking even more upset and the tears are streaming down his cheeks. 

"What's wrong now  paddy ?" asks the friend.   

"This truly is a bad day for my family," he replies, "That was my brother on the phone, and ......

HIS father has died too!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

 The Englishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!

'' The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me every time I think of it,'' he chuckles.

''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece.

I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis !"

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light.

Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you ?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said,

"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you ?"

Humouring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said,

"Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it  has been one month since my last confession.

I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month". 

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." 

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green ?" 

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. 

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." 

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon  when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. 

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and  sits down in front of the Altar. 

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green  shoes. 

The priest and altar boy  gasp as the woman sits down with  her legs  slightly  spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks,

"Is that Fannie  Green ?" 

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

A blonde decides to earn a bit of spare cash to feed her shopping addiction by doing odd jobs.

After hours of knocking on doors in a wealthy neighbourhood she arrives at the biggest house on the street, knocks on the door and says:

"Do you have any odd jobs that need taking care of ? I am offering handyman services at a very competitive rate."

"Well, you can paint my porch," replies the well-dressed owner. "But how much will you charge ?"

"That'll be about £50." says the girl.

The man agrees and tells her that the paint and other materials that she will need are in the garage.

Inside the house the man's wife overhears the conversation and asks her husband:

"Does she realise that the porch goes all the way around the house ?"

"She should, she was standing on it," replies the man.

A short time later, the blonde comes to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already ?" he asks.

"Yes," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reaches in his pocket for the £50.

"And by the way," the blonde adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that ?" she asked, with her eyes gleaming lustfully.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once !"

A woman went to her priest with a problem.

"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing.

All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun ?"

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help.

Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage.

The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots.

The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun ?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed

"Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered !"

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, are my testicles black ?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, nurse, are my testicles black ?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them !"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,

“That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back ?”

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10.

See ? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! "

"Very good", said her Mother.

Is it because I'm blonde ? " Yes, it's because your blonde, " said the Mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See ? A,B,C,D,E,F,G !"

"Very Good," said her Mother."

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy ?"

" Yes it's because your blonde ! "

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these !"

 She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36DD's.

" Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

" Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy ?"

" No Honey, it's because you're 24 and your the P.E Teacher "

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like

'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"

 The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying,

No shit...what happened next ?"

Paddy was walking through a town one day when he saw a shop with a notice in the window.

The notice said "We sell everything".

Paddy could not believe this so he went inside.

He walked to the counter and asked the salesman, "Do you really sell everything ?"

The salesman said "Yes, everything".

Thinking this was too good to be true Paddy said "OK then could I have a jumper for a chicken ?".

The salesman said "A jumper for a chicken ?, hold on I will have to check the stock out the back".

Five minutes later, the salesman returned with a brown paper bag. "Here you go, one jumper for a chicken"

"How much ?" asked Paddy.

"Three quid." replied the salesman.

"Three quid for a jumper for a chicken - excellent." said Paddy.

So away he went as happy as Larry.

When he got outside he thought to himself that maybe he was done, so he looked inside the bag.

At the bottom of the bag was a condom.

He was mad and stormed back into the shop.

He screamed at the salesman;

"Hey, I asked you for a jumper for a chicken and you have given me a condom - what's going on ?"

The salesman replied, "Sorry mate, I checked in the back and we seem to be all out of jumpers for chickens, all we had was a pullover for a cock."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.

In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.

But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request ?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more

attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen very carefully, for the last time, I said.

...

......

.........

.............
 

" GO AND GET A POSSE ! "

An Asian lady married an English gentleman and they lived happily ever after in London.

Although the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she managed to communicate with her husband; but a real

problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy some chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request and, in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.

The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts.

Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.

The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.

Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store .. . . .

Scroll down.........

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What were you thinking ?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English !!!!!

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.

" In fact ", he pointed out, " some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society ".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, " Would you like to know what the painting is really about ? "

" Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery ? " asked the couple.

" Because I'm the guy who painted it, " he replied.

" In fact, there is no African-American representation at all.

They're just three Scottish coal-miners.

The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this ?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

" It's very brave of you to come out here, " says Matthew.

"Please tell the audience what happened"

" Well " replies Simon, " About a year ago, I was driving with my Uncle when we had a really bad accident.

Unfortunately my Uncle was killed outright but I survived.

I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free and the doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs ! "

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial ?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew. While I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my Uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body.

The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. "

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

" That's an unbelievable story. So, who are you going to be ? "

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" Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Simon and Harfuncle ! "